our advent

this period has been different. not necessarily bad, just new.

this period of anticipation feels more tangible. some days scary.

i folded some of our first baby clothes into a dresser in our spare room.

there has been a crib there for two years. waiting.

i haven’t wanted to expand. but we were told to be prepared.

for the adoption call.

my heart has begun to become a little excited. still unsure of the safety outside my net.

but nothing will ever be “safe” or “sure”…

but hope still whispers.

hope that this is the right thing. this is God’s plan. despite the brokenness of the situation. an unplanned pregnancy. the inability to care for a new life. God is providing another way.

there have been new feelings of guilt. who am i to say i can raise your child? who am i to say, pick me? trust me with your unborn child. my mom changed her mind. i can’t imagine not knowing the woman who bore me. but there was another family. i don’t know how that life would have been different.

recently, we attended an event at a crisis pregnancy center. moms came with their children. children they chose to keep. my emotions swam before me. i heard their stories: thinking abortion was the answer, before arriving at the clinic. choosing to keep the child versus adoption. because what would i tell that kid if i had more? i gave you away, but kept the rest. i did’t want my kids getting lost in the system… it was a dip into reality. acknowledging up close the other “choice” our potential birth mom could choose.

and i totally respect her right to make that decision.

i am having to remember, that we are not trying to replace this child’s parents, we are coming alongside them. really, we are all adopted. by God. adoption is not a bad thing. it is a beautiful thing that has been created to restore.

dpp 5

lights

super cold and rainy. under lots of blankets currently dreaming of hot cocoa.

we have recently started a go fund me for our adoption process. if interested, give here.

Day 1

First hot #chocolate. #dpp #dpp2016 #decemberphotoproject 

dpp 5: diciembre cinco

instead of going on our walk today, i let matt take a turn with the camera. here are his subjects:

our interesting neighbor’s porch decor–photographed and edited by mr. b (he did not take a picture of their industrial sized dough hook or their Buddhist-like lamp…)

the weather here has been strange. it’s been a sort of out-of-body experience with the grey warm weather. the leaves are off most of the trees and plants, but without the impending cold or snow, my mind has yet to figure out whether it is fall or spring: it feels like neither, just a shadow of the bitter nebraska winters i used to know.

that will soon be remedied though with christmas vacation. and my boots and layered couture will once more be useful.

photographed by matthew b. edited by ashley b.