The beginning

just received this in the morning’s batch of emails:

We are pleased to inform you that your adoptive family assessment has been officially approved and registered with the DHS Permanency Unit for up to one child of either gender and any race…..

while this is a big step, it is a small one in this journey. praying God will lead and direct our path. show us when to run forward and to take a step back. any and all prayers are welcome. thanks for walking with us.

now, onto the rest of the day. hope y’all have a wonderful and delicious thanksgiving.

 

anxiety and our kingdom

lately, i have been super anxious. i have been anxious about our summer plans and the programs in massachusetts and israel that matt is applying for (when will we know? when is the deadline? should i re-new my passport? look at plane tickets? what will happen to our apartment?….). i have worried about my timeline for our family and why we are neither pregnant or have received our foster care license yet (what is wrong with right now? our backgrounds are clean–why is it taking so long?). worried about my sister’s wedding and their constantly changing lives/plans.

however, the theme keeps ringing: all has been provided for and completed by God. i can’t see the whole story, but am stuck in a minute fraction of life and my near-sighted vision is causing me: distress, sleeplessness, depression, etc. and even when i have tried to give all these things in prayer to God, it seems that they come right back to me. that probably shouldn’t happen, but it does. i realized last week during a women’s study at church, it might be tied to my lack of faith: i don’t want to give it up because i trust in my capabilities/planning strategies more than God’s plans. i like to make lists, be in control, try to maintain all around me. this time i can’t and i don’t want to trust someone else to handle this: there must be something i can do that can neatly stack my life/future order.

slowly my heart has been learning to release its grip. just realize, i have no control. this doesn’t mean i lay back and let life have a go with me, but my stress and anxiety is not worth it. not worth my time and energy and mental capacity. God will bring the answers in his own time. meanwhile i read this today from the lental devotions journey to the cross:

“Our consumerism is rooted in a lack of faith. We are worried about what others think because we are not convinced that God delights in us (Psalm 149:4). We are anxious because we do not believe God will meet our needs (Matthew 6:32). We vie for attention because we do not think God rewards what is done in secret (Matthew 6:6). We compare ourselves to others because we forget that Jesus is our righteousness (1 Corinthians 1:30). A consumer is self-seeking because he is preoccupied with building his own kingdom in order to meet his own needs. During Lent, Jesus especially calls us to re-right our lives, to “Seek fist the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).

may this passage help to challenge your heart and ponder what you are not giving up, whether it is worry, anxiety, comparison, attention, etc. a friend encouraged me to look at where God has provided in the past and i think that will be a good place to start.

climbing to the top

olive branch in hollywood

sitting with friends

waiting for tests to determine

hiv.

finding broken bodies gone

done with this world.

my heart wants to close.

wait under the bed till the sun shines

so brightly that all the

gray finally disappates

in the glory of above.

but while the fleeing feelings linger

i see others pushing forth

readying themselves

bracing against nothing

but jesus

running through these last days of death.

these questions stop me

How are you living today? Do you see yourself pulling back from life or pressing into it? What is threatening your joy? What has stolen your hope?

what does “pressing into” look like today?

how can i live to the utmost?

and glorify my lord through all?

decatur walk

matt and i took a walk today, wandering down old familiar streets in our neighborhood. the cars kept wiring past to homes unseen. drops clung to empty limbs above from our week of gray cold rain. its been a comforting gray, a bundle up tight gray. my heart has been distracted lately amongst the myriad of details swarming around of people to be seen, making food, photography, summer plans and trips, tickets, growing families, a blog called “mundane faithfulness” (about a mom who is processing her own death by cancer, life, family, purpose and God–i highly recommend it),  card making, finishing chronicles II, and service in the church.

a friend said last night that she was processing the difference between her sacrifice and mercy–that God doesn’t her sacrifice. it made me think about all that i do for others and my motivations. (sigh). hope you all have had a great week 🙂